Happy.....

If someone had told me this time last year that at this time this year I'd be so happy I would have told them they were lying.  Its not ONLY about my new relationship with D, but its about a peace that I have that everything really IS going to be alright.  I've been thru alot, but the point is I made it THRU and I know its nothing but God's grace, peace and a few praying and supportive friends who kept me afloat.  I have alot to be happy about. 

But on to Mr D.... He will be here FRIDAY!!! It seems like we've both been waiting for 4/27 at 11:12 for the entire month.  I am SO happy and honored that he's taking the time out of his schedule to spend a few days with me and I cannot wait to see him.  We both are beyond excited about this visit but I've already told him to let's not plan to do too much, let's just enjoy our time together.  I don't want him feeling as if he has to wine and dine me, I'm just excited to be with him.  I deserve this, no correction, we BOTH deserve this.... 

Love

So I'm in love.... I've loved people before, been loved before, but now that I've met him I don't believe I've even been in love before. It's not that wreckless, gut wretching, think I'm the greatest thing in the world kind of love... Its grown up love. I can be open and honest with him, be exactly who I am and he WANTS that, we talk about everything and anything and he's very supportive of me.

I love him. He's everything that I've prayed for and God's gift to me. I'm convinced that God sent him to me and if we had tried to do this on our own, it would have been messy. We both have marriages that we are working our way out of so we are being respectful of that. I am SO ready for this, I'd marry him tomorrow and I mean it.

Thank you God for your gift and for his obedience to you.

This is nice....

Being grown sometimes has its benefits. I have reconnected with a childhood friend (I mean he must have known me and my family since I was around 10) and its been BEAUTIFUL! We do alot of smiling through the phone and he's exactly what I've been asking God for. He's kind, loving, funny as heck, sweet, protective, summertime FINE, loves his family AND God, loves and respects my family and knows me already. We used to crush majorly as kids but we both agree that it would have NEVER worked before because neither of us were ready. But now, we are VERY ready.

This is nice and SO grown up. The family has co-signed it (down to the nieces) and its nice having someone who gets me and wants to! I'm ready and open God for whatever this is going to be. But for now it this is SO nice...

WOW!!

Wow and wow again is all I'm going to say about my latest friend. OMG wow God, you really are amazing.....

Divorce

I'm meeting with an attorney on Monday. I received my official release and confirmation Sunday in church (yes I was laid out on the floor, I'm glad yall weren't there, you would have been mad). It not that I desire in any way shape or form to reconcile, its just at times it's rough stomaching the current state of things. I'm cool with this, I really am. I'm ready to get on with my life, to love freely, to have guilt free "relations" (yes there will be relations!) and just close this chapter in a book that probably should have never been opened.
Happy pre-birthday to me. I may take FL with me so I don't have a complete emotional meltdown on Monday. She'll snatch me by the scruff of my neck and whisper a few choice words in my ear to get me back on track!

Yes I will be having a divorce party, attendance is MANDATORY!

Its Not Easy to Be Me....

This song expresses how I feel most days.... UGH!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRz4FY0ZcwI

On Being Me

I'm me, I can't be anyone else but me. I'm the best at being me and I can't be anyone else as good as I can be me. So with that being said, here are a few things about me that will not change unless God says so:

1. I ask alot of questions, I always have. I'm a naturally inquisitive person, some call it pushy, some call it nosy, I call it inquisitive. As I've gotten older I've tried to tame it but I'd rather ask and risk the look of "that's none of your business" than not ask.
2. I don't have high expectations of people but I DO expect honestly, communication and some level of respect. I don't believe that "managing my expectations" includes expecting people to lie. I'd rather believe people to be good, trying to do the right thing than spend the rest of my life interacting with people who I'm always looking over my shoulder with. Yes people flip on you, but I won't be a paranoid. I think its a sad way to live life.
3. I believe in the general good in people. People do bad things but there are not any blatently bad people, with the exception of pedophiles, child abusers, rapists, people who are cruel to animals and murderers.
4. I believe in love. I will never stop believing in love and the power which love possesses. I have loved and been loved. Just because I've loved and lost and have had people "claim" to love me I will NOT give up on the idea of love. Just because people don't understand what the word really means does not mean I will allow their stuff to cloud or downsize my expectation of love.
5. I try to treat people good, I don't treat all people the same, that's impossible and if anyone claims they do that, theyre lying. I try to treat people and see them as individuals, not all men are the same, not all women are the same, not all people born under the same sign are the same, not all blacks are the same, etc... I hate sterotypes. While some hold true for the most part, they're invalid.
6. I'm an emoter, always have been, always will be. If I like it I'm showing it, if I dislike it I'm showing it. I'm not fearful of showing how I feel about people even if the feeling is not reciprocated. If you've hurt me, I'm telling you and if you've made me happy I'm showing you. If I'm sad I cry, if I'm happy I cry, if I'm thankful I cry. Not many people can deal with my WIDE range of emotions but I've been hospitalized for NOT expressing my emotions and I refuse to go through that level of pain again just so people are cool with me.
7. I know a little about alot of things its called having a momma who made you read. I won't apologize or downplay my intelligence for others to be ok. Read a book, put the reality TV and tabloids down and get it together.

I love who I am and I love who I'm becoming. While this may not work for some, I'm no longer willing to compromise who I am for people to be ok with who they are not. You don't have to be me or like me but I'm going to stay true to who God called me to be. Somewhere out there someone is appreciating me and will get me.