How Can You Miss Someone You've Never Met?

Wow....
So I've had so many things on my mind lately, not enough to make a coherant blog.... For years I've been walking around feeling as if a part of me was missing, like a phantom limb or a twin who died at birth and I got to live but never knew I had the twin.... Finally it dawned on me, I'm missing my child who never was... I'm grieving for the unborn, the born too soon, the few whose live was cut short due to unselfish reason, I grieve for ALL of them! Is this healthy considering I haven't been pregnant in 5 years? Who can say? All I know is that I have to make room in my heart to receive what God may have for me and the only way I can do this is if I acknowldge this hole in my heart, first to myself, then to God and ask Him to fill it with Him. I myst be honest, I thought I was WAY past this, but with so many things going on, all I can say is that tonight, I'm shedding tears for those that I never got to meet but that I miss so much...

I miss you my babies, please forgive me.

Oh Happy Day!

Wow..... My step son who I have not seen in 5 years is here!! He just got here today from NY and I'm so glad to see him! He's a big boy now (size wise and age, he's 15), but he's still as cute as ever!!

WHen he was younger, he used to sing "oh happy day" at the top of his lungs and it was hysterical! My family is SO excited that he's here and I think they are all coming this weekend to see him. This should be fun!

Wow, its amazing how you don't realize how much you've missed someone until you see them

Missing People

I'm a person who pretty much for the most part, likes people and things to "stay as they are". Now I'm all for personal and spiritual growth BUT I like people to stay put! Over the last few years, I've moved around myself quite a bit so its interesting that I feel this way BUT anyone who knows me knows that I tend to get attached to people (much to Dee's horror) and its upsetting to me when people are not where I expect them to be!

Some VERY SPECIAL people to me are moving around.... Going off to college, moving to another state, changing jobs, changing churches and YES, I'm feeling..... ABANDONED!! I know its not about me, but still... I feel sad, I miss people because I love deeply and its hard for me to say bye (also much to Dee's horror!). I mean seriously, I think I handled quite well my god child/child (she's my god child but also my child!) moving all the way to Texas to go to college and NOW she's talking about going to Korea to teach! Yeah for her, I'm VERY proud of her but dang, that's far! Then one of my other babies is moving to Ga to live with his brother and its tearing me up to the point that I'm ANGRY! Then I have another friend who I didn't realize how attached I was to this chick until I haven't seen her in over a month and the only contact we've had is via email, I've asked her to stand in her window and I'd drive by her house just so I can see her!! I just sent a text to her husband telling him that I've harassed her enough and now I'm stepping up my game and I'm going to start harassing him until I see SOMEONE!!!

Maybe its PMS, I dunno. All I know is I'm see WAY too much of the people I don't wanna see and way too less of the people I miss and I'm NOT liking it at all!

Great Nieces and Nephews

Got to see Princess Niera and Big Boy Taj yesterday (who at 5 months is trying to walk!!!). Princess Niera looks me dead in the eyes and says "auntie Crystal, I like lemonade, it makes my throat smile". She's the cutest thing!! We had a tea party, ate icies (she had a red and blue one, didn't give me a choice but gave me the blue one and said "I like red", adults should be so honest) and we watched I Carly which is one of her favorite shows. My nephew told me that one day she was off in her room alone and when he walked in, she was on her bed relaxing with the TV on. When he asked her what she was doing, she said "I'm watching Rocko Bama" and sure enough, she had PBS on and was watching one of his town hall meetings on Health Care Reform!!! I pray for the teachers when she starts school in a few weeks, she's going to give them a run for their money because she's VERY advanced for a 3 year old!

Darrien aka Peanut sent me a love letter in the mail, its said "I love you auntie Crystal, you are funny. I love you 1022". When I asked what 1022 was, he said "the biggest number I know". Man these kids can make you cry!

Can't wait to see Peanut and Boo in September, I really hope they come down, I miss them so much!!

No Words....

No words can describe how sad I am... My friend who I posted about has lost her 3rd baby and I can't even begin to articulate how I feel. On so many levels it makes me sad, angry, discouraged and pissed off!!! I KNOW, medicine is a science and as such, its not exact but DAMN! Also, I can't understand why God in His infinite wisdom and love for us would put one couple through so much pain and heart ache.

If there is a bright side in all this, its that they got to hold the baby and be with her for 6 hours of her life. I can't even begin to imagine how wonderful that must have felt, especially since the doctors were all amazed that she held on for that long. That part right there proves that God DOES care about us because no one can tell me that He didn't do this JUST for them and their other two babies in heaven so Madison can go there and tell them how wonderful both their mom and dad are!

I still trust God, I know I cannot question His ways but if there were once I could ask Him ANY question, it would be WHY. As crazy as it sounds, I want this couple to have a child more than I want it for us. I love them JUST THAT MUCH.

No Good Deed....

Goes unpunished or recognized!! So over the past few weeks, I thought I had been accomodating (allowed hela folks to stay at my house who had no money), did my best to make things comfortable and nice for everyone, played hostess with the mostest and all that snazzy stuff you do for people who love you and what did I get in return? Basically a disrecpectful niece, a crazy sister and people angry with me over stuff that has NOTHING TO DO WITH ME!!! So for the next few weeks, months, maybe even YEARS, I'm closing the borders. Remember, I have NO children so I have no desire to play the 3rd parent anymore. Its too costly and I'm always the one paying and I'm NOT talking financially. Stick a fork in me, I'm SO DONE!

WOW...

Ok so we're officially 3 days away from Cory preaching his initial sermon. I'm overwhelmed with a range of emotions - happiness, excitement, nervousness, fatigue and everything in between!! I thank God that COry is such a cool, calm and collected dude, he's showing ZERO signs of fear (because we know God did not give us a spirit of fear) and he's ready for his big day. A few things I'm thankful for:

1. Peace - we have had nothing but peace around this new chapter of Cory's life
2. Praying friends near and far - I feel the prayers of all my friends and family
3. Vision - I saw this day when I first met Cory. Although our lives then looked NOTHING like what they are now, I always knew we'd get here, even when it looked like we'd never make it!
4. Vision again - I KNOW this is just a comma not a period. The things that I know God is going to acccomplish through Cory's life and testimony blow me away at times.
5. The Holy Spirit - who has led and guided us to this point. We would have NEVER arrived here if we weren't led.

So Sunday July 12 at 5:00 PM is the big day/hour. This is going to be awesome!