Divorce

I'm meeting with an attorney on Monday. I received my official release and confirmation Sunday in church (yes I was laid out on the floor, I'm glad yall weren't there, you would have been mad). It not that I desire in any way shape or form to reconcile, its just at times it's rough stomaching the current state of things. I'm cool with this, I really am. I'm ready to get on with my life, to love freely, to have guilt free "relations" (yes there will be relations!) and just close this chapter in a book that probably should have never been opened.
Happy pre-birthday to me. I may take FL with me so I don't have a complete emotional meltdown on Monday. She'll snatch me by the scruff of my neck and whisper a few choice words in my ear to get me back on track!

Yes I will be having a divorce party, attendance is MANDATORY!

Its Not Easy to Be Me....

This song expresses how I feel most days.... UGH!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRz4FY0ZcwI

On Being Me

I'm me, I can't be anyone else but me. I'm the best at being me and I can't be anyone else as good as I can be me. So with that being said, here are a few things about me that will not change unless God says so:

1. I ask alot of questions, I always have. I'm a naturally inquisitive person, some call it pushy, some call it nosy, I call it inquisitive. As I've gotten older I've tried to tame it but I'd rather ask and risk the look of "that's none of your business" than not ask.
2. I don't have high expectations of people but I DO expect honestly, communication and some level of respect. I don't believe that "managing my expectations" includes expecting people to lie. I'd rather believe people to be good, trying to do the right thing than spend the rest of my life interacting with people who I'm always looking over my shoulder with. Yes people flip on you, but I won't be a paranoid. I think its a sad way to live life.
3. I believe in the general good in people. People do bad things but there are not any blatently bad people, with the exception of pedophiles, child abusers, rapists, people who are cruel to animals and murderers.
4. I believe in love. I will never stop believing in love and the power which love possesses. I have loved and been loved. Just because I've loved and lost and have had people "claim" to love me I will NOT give up on the idea of love. Just because people don't understand what the word really means does not mean I will allow their stuff to cloud or downsize my expectation of love.
5. I try to treat people good, I don't treat all people the same, that's impossible and if anyone claims they do that, theyre lying. I try to treat people and see them as individuals, not all men are the same, not all women are the same, not all people born under the same sign are the same, not all blacks are the same, etc... I hate sterotypes. While some hold true for the most part, they're invalid.
6. I'm an emoter, always have been, always will be. If I like it I'm showing it, if I dislike it I'm showing it. I'm not fearful of showing how I feel about people even if the feeling is not reciprocated. If you've hurt me, I'm telling you and if you've made me happy I'm showing you. If I'm sad I cry, if I'm happy I cry, if I'm thankful I cry. Not many people can deal with my WIDE range of emotions but I've been hospitalized for NOT expressing my emotions and I refuse to go through that level of pain again just so people are cool with me.
7. I know a little about alot of things its called having a momma who made you read. I won't apologize or downplay my intelligence for others to be ok. Read a book, put the reality TV and tabloids down and get it together.

I love who I am and I love who I'm becoming. While this may not work for some, I'm no longer willing to compromise who I am for people to be ok with who they are not. You don't have to be me or like me but I'm going to stay true to who God called me to be. Somewhere out there someone is appreciating me and will get me.

I Still Believe...

I've witnessed some crazy things over the past 3 years... Friendships dissolving without so much as a goodbye, marriages torn apart by one person's selfishness and need for something other than what they have, the loss of my two best things in the world-my mother and my precious Bernie, a friend of mine who would be amazed at the depth of my love for her losing baby #4 when he was so close to meeting everyone who has loved him from the moment he was announced, people who claim and profess Christ SWEARING they'll never love again due to some foolish person's mismanagement not realizing that you can't claim Christ seperate and apart from claiming and professing love, friends who were so full of love and joy now bitter and cynical for a multitude of reasons.... I've been hurt too, people who have grinned and smiled in my face, that I've prayed for and with, committing ultimate acts of betrayal that have cut me so deep its a wonder that I have not drowned in my own tears.... And yet and still I still believe.... I still believe in LOVE and its power to heal, build, re-shape, build up and affirm. There are days where I don't know where my trust is, I don't know where my faith is, I don't know where the nice Crystal is, I don't know what you're thinking God I STILL believe and will NOT give up believing in LOVE...

Random

I couldn't come up with a title for this post since it's not about any one topic in particular but about things that are going on in my heart/head right now so random is the best choice....

Let's see, what's gone on since my last post? Let's see:

1. I went on my first "post Cory" date. Really not a big deal, lunch in Atlanta with a guy I met in NYC who's from NYC but lives in Ga now. Several days after the date I realized that I really didn't like him but he REALLY liked me which is a whole blog unto itself. Let's just say he's in the friendship bucket and although he may not like it, that's where he'll be.
2. I realized the issues between me and my sisters are deeper than I thought when sister #3 came to visit sister #2 who lives less that 130 miles away and NO ONE CALLED ME! Yes I was hurt, and mad that I was hurt.
3. Things with Cory and I went from bad to worse to ok to worse to bad to horrific to ok. Yeah all that in the span of the summer. Love him to pieces, HATE the stuff he does.
4. I have a hole in my heart about something that I should have known better about but I didn't. Not ready to write about this just yet but UGH....
5. Mommy's bday is coming and I have NO safety plan.
6. Started a new job, WHOOP WHOOP! I guess I should blog about not being at the old job!
7. I had a great summer. Met some cool people and some not so cool people. See item #4.
8. I got a new puppy that Pickles LOVES. It's a beagle and I don't know what I was thinking. But to see the happiness come back to Pickles as they romp all day and night (and I do mean all day and night) makes me happy. He's being a good big brother.

So I really have 9 things I could blog about and I will. Just wanted to give a quick update before the blog police ding me for being slack.

Soul Searching and New Status

I'm not sure if some of my friends are going to be able to deal with me being single... I've had several "weird" conversations over the past month or so about my new status. It's either their curiosity about how I'm "handling things" or just weird things which their spouses have said about my new status. I always wonder about women who feel the need to tell their mate everything about their friends to the point where the mate feels comfortable enough to even make a comment. What exactly are you talking about which causes you to bring up my marriage and the latest developments?

So I can see where some folks will have to be put on a "restricted" list because I will NOT tolerate comments from them or their spouses. I have one friend who I feel comfortable with sharing all the details of my new life, but the rest, I'm not too certain about. I have to do some serious soul searching and that's too bad. Some of these folks have been around for quite some time...

NYC Part Deux

I'm not quite sure how I feel about NYC now... While deep in my heart it will always be home, I'm not sure it can offer the protection from itself that I need. I was lulled into a false sense of security, that we could once again be friends, that we could happily co-exist, that I could visit it whenever I wanted, think of it whenever I wanted, talk to it whenever I wanted but as of yesterday, it once again showed me that my fantasy was just that... A fantasy....

So for now, I will cherish my two weeks that I had, the eating, drinking, shopping, laughing, getting re-acquainted and the new discoveries but I think it will be a while before I see NYC again. And although I miss it like crazy, I'm not sure NYC is as good for me as I would be for it.

I wonder does NYC feel different today since I'm gone... I wonder if my absence matters... I wonder if it would have been better if we never found each other again... I feel like singing Carl Thomas "I Wish"...