Happy.....

If someone had told me this time last year that at this time this year I'd be so happy I would have told them they were lying.  Its not ONLY about my new relationship with D, but its about a peace that I have that everything really IS going to be alright.  I've been thru alot, but the point is I made it THRU and I know its nothing but God's grace, peace and a few praying and supportive friends who kept me afloat.  I have alot to be happy about. 

But on to Mr D.... He will be here FRIDAY!!! It seems like we've both been waiting for 4/27 at 11:12 for the entire month.  I am SO happy and honored that he's taking the time out of his schedule to spend a few days with me and I cannot wait to see him.  We both are beyond excited about this visit but I've already told him to let's not plan to do too much, let's just enjoy our time together.  I don't want him feeling as if he has to wine and dine me, I'm just excited to be with him.  I deserve this, no correction, we BOTH deserve this.... 

Love

So I'm in love.... I've loved people before, been loved before, but now that I've met him I don't believe I've even been in love before. It's not that wreckless, gut wretching, think I'm the greatest thing in the world kind of love... Its grown up love. I can be open and honest with him, be exactly who I am and he WANTS that, we talk about everything and anything and he's very supportive of me.

I love him. He's everything that I've prayed for and God's gift to me. I'm convinced that God sent him to me and if we had tried to do this on our own, it would have been messy. We both have marriages that we are working our way out of so we are being respectful of that. I am SO ready for this, I'd marry him tomorrow and I mean it.

Thank you God for your gift and for his obedience to you.

This is nice....

Being grown sometimes has its benefits. I have reconnected with a childhood friend (I mean he must have known me and my family since I was around 10) and its been BEAUTIFUL! We do alot of smiling through the phone and he's exactly what I've been asking God for. He's kind, loving, funny as heck, sweet, protective, summertime FINE, loves his family AND God, loves and respects my family and knows me already. We used to crush majorly as kids but we both agree that it would have NEVER worked before because neither of us were ready. But now, we are VERY ready.

This is nice and SO grown up. The family has co-signed it (down to the nieces) and its nice having someone who gets me and wants to! I'm ready and open God for whatever this is going to be. But for now it this is SO nice...

WOW!!

Wow and wow again is all I'm going to say about my latest friend. OMG wow God, you really are amazing.....

Divorce

I'm meeting with an attorney on Monday. I received my official release and confirmation Sunday in church (yes I was laid out on the floor, I'm glad yall weren't there, you would have been mad). It not that I desire in any way shape or form to reconcile, its just at times it's rough stomaching the current state of things. I'm cool with this, I really am. I'm ready to get on with my life, to love freely, to have guilt free "relations" (yes there will be relations!) and just close this chapter in a book that probably should have never been opened.
Happy pre-birthday to me. I may take FL with me so I don't have a complete emotional meltdown on Monday. She'll snatch me by the scruff of my neck and whisper a few choice words in my ear to get me back on track!

Yes I will be having a divorce party, attendance is MANDATORY!

Its Not Easy to Be Me....

This song expresses how I feel most days.... UGH!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRz4FY0ZcwI

On Being Me

I'm me, I can't be anyone else but me. I'm the best at being me and I can't be anyone else as good as I can be me. So with that being said, here are a few things about me that will not change unless God says so:

1. I ask alot of questions, I always have. I'm a naturally inquisitive person, some call it pushy, some call it nosy, I call it inquisitive. As I've gotten older I've tried to tame it but I'd rather ask and risk the look of "that's none of your business" than not ask.
2. I don't have high expectations of people but I DO expect honestly, communication and some level of respect. I don't believe that "managing my expectations" includes expecting people to lie. I'd rather believe people to be good, trying to do the right thing than spend the rest of my life interacting with people who I'm always looking over my shoulder with. Yes people flip on you, but I won't be a paranoid. I think its a sad way to live life.
3. I believe in the general good in people. People do bad things but there are not any blatently bad people, with the exception of pedophiles, child abusers, rapists, people who are cruel to animals and murderers.
4. I believe in love. I will never stop believing in love and the power which love possesses. I have loved and been loved. Just because I've loved and lost and have had people "claim" to love me I will NOT give up on the idea of love. Just because people don't understand what the word really means does not mean I will allow their stuff to cloud or downsize my expectation of love.
5. I try to treat people good, I don't treat all people the same, that's impossible and if anyone claims they do that, theyre lying. I try to treat people and see them as individuals, not all men are the same, not all women are the same, not all people born under the same sign are the same, not all blacks are the same, etc... I hate sterotypes. While some hold true for the most part, they're invalid.
6. I'm an emoter, always have been, always will be. If I like it I'm showing it, if I dislike it I'm showing it. I'm not fearful of showing how I feel about people even if the feeling is not reciprocated. If you've hurt me, I'm telling you and if you've made me happy I'm showing you. If I'm sad I cry, if I'm happy I cry, if I'm thankful I cry. Not many people can deal with my WIDE range of emotions but I've been hospitalized for NOT expressing my emotions and I refuse to go through that level of pain again just so people are cool with me.
7. I know a little about alot of things its called having a momma who made you read. I won't apologize or downplay my intelligence for others to be ok. Read a book, put the reality TV and tabloids down and get it together.

I love who I am and I love who I'm becoming. While this may not work for some, I'm no longer willing to compromise who I am for people to be ok with who they are not. You don't have to be me or like me but I'm going to stay true to who God called me to be. Somewhere out there someone is appreciating me and will get me.

I Still Believe...

I've witnessed some crazy things over the past 3 years... Friendships dissolving without so much as a goodbye, marriages torn apart by one person's selfishness and need for something other than what they have, the loss of my two best things in the world-my mother and my precious Bernie, a friend of mine who would be amazed at the depth of my love for her losing baby #4 when he was so close to meeting everyone who has loved him from the moment he was announced, people who claim and profess Christ SWEARING they'll never love again due to some foolish person's mismanagement not realizing that you can't claim Christ seperate and apart from claiming and professing love, friends who were so full of love and joy now bitter and cynical for a multitude of reasons.... I've been hurt too, people who have grinned and smiled in my face, that I've prayed for and with, committing ultimate acts of betrayal that have cut me so deep its a wonder that I have not drowned in my own tears.... And yet and still I still believe.... I still believe in LOVE and its power to heal, build, re-shape, build up and affirm. There are days where I don't know where my trust is, I don't know where my faith is, I don't know where the nice Crystal is, I don't know what you're thinking God I STILL believe and will NOT give up believing in LOVE...

Random

I couldn't come up with a title for this post since it's not about any one topic in particular but about things that are going on in my heart/head right now so random is the best choice....

Let's see, what's gone on since my last post? Let's see:

1. I went on my first "post Cory" date. Really not a big deal, lunch in Atlanta with a guy I met in NYC who's from NYC but lives in Ga now. Several days after the date I realized that I really didn't like him but he REALLY liked me which is a whole blog unto itself. Let's just say he's in the friendship bucket and although he may not like it, that's where he'll be.
2. I realized the issues between me and my sisters are deeper than I thought when sister #3 came to visit sister #2 who lives less that 130 miles away and NO ONE CALLED ME! Yes I was hurt, and mad that I was hurt.
3. Things with Cory and I went from bad to worse to ok to worse to bad to horrific to ok. Yeah all that in the span of the summer. Love him to pieces, HATE the stuff he does.
4. I have a hole in my heart about something that I should have known better about but I didn't. Not ready to write about this just yet but UGH....
5. Mommy's bday is coming and I have NO safety plan.
6. Started a new job, WHOOP WHOOP! I guess I should blog about not being at the old job!
7. I had a great summer. Met some cool people and some not so cool people. See item #4.
8. I got a new puppy that Pickles LOVES. It's a beagle and I don't know what I was thinking. But to see the happiness come back to Pickles as they romp all day and night (and I do mean all day and night) makes me happy. He's being a good big brother.

So I really have 9 things I could blog about and I will. Just wanted to give a quick update before the blog police ding me for being slack.

Soul Searching and New Status

I'm not sure if some of my friends are going to be able to deal with me being single... I've had several "weird" conversations over the past month or so about my new status. It's either their curiosity about how I'm "handling things" or just weird things which their spouses have said about my new status. I always wonder about women who feel the need to tell their mate everything about their friends to the point where the mate feels comfortable enough to even make a comment. What exactly are you talking about which causes you to bring up my marriage and the latest developments?

So I can see where some folks will have to be put on a "restricted" list because I will NOT tolerate comments from them or their spouses. I have one friend who I feel comfortable with sharing all the details of my new life, but the rest, I'm not too certain about. I have to do some serious soul searching and that's too bad. Some of these folks have been around for quite some time...

NYC Part Deux

I'm not quite sure how I feel about NYC now... While deep in my heart it will always be home, I'm not sure it can offer the protection from itself that I need. I was lulled into a false sense of security, that we could once again be friends, that we could happily co-exist, that I could visit it whenever I wanted, think of it whenever I wanted, talk to it whenever I wanted but as of yesterday, it once again showed me that my fantasy was just that... A fantasy....

So for now, I will cherish my two weeks that I had, the eating, drinking, shopping, laughing, getting re-acquainted and the new discoveries but I think it will be a while before I see NYC again. And although I miss it like crazy, I'm not sure NYC is as good for me as I would be for it.

I wonder does NYC feel different today since I'm gone... I wonder if my absence matters... I wonder if it would have been better if we never found each other again... I feel like singing Carl Thomas "I Wish"...

NYC

I think I am falling in love with NYC again... Its like finding a pair of shoes which you bought but never wore and now you can rock them hard. NYC has grown up and so have I.

Bernie the Magnificent

I pray that all dogs actually DO go to heaven, because if any of them could, it would be her. I could think of no other befitting way for Bernie to die but at home in my arms. I was scheduled to take her to the vet on 4/23 but as fate would have it, she died at home. Her last night was rough, I was tired, she was tired and we spent most of the night fighting desperately for air. She died at 6:48 AM, right in my arms....

I miss her SO much, its like a HUGE part of me is gone. I still listen for her nails clicking across the floor, her running out the room sideways when I come home, her in the bed with me kicking me.

The worse part of this is watching Pickles grieve... The first night he carried her pillow around the house crying and that was the roughest thing I've had to endure. Its like we're lost without her, although she was a small dog, she was big in spirit.

The entire family felt this one, friends/acquaintances/ex-boyfriends were ALL impacted in one way or another by Bernie's life. She had a fan club all her own. What brings me comfort is knowing that if all dogs DO go to heaven, she's with my mother who I KNOW welcome her with open arms and said "Bernie Baby" in a way that only she can. I know they're looking down on me and Pickles but DAMN I really can't take any more losses right now, this is too much...

Bernie the Magnificent Beagle

I've had Bernie for 12 years now... She is so much a part of the family that I can't even remember a time in my adult life when she was not around but now she's sick. I've been noticing her health declining for awhile now, just weird things here and there but I thought she'd bounce back like she always does. Last week, the vet determined that she has a mass in her stomach which is making it hard for her to breath. He wanted me to put her down last week but I just couldn't so I let him send her home with 4 medications in hopes that she'd get better. Although the swelling has gone down, she's now not eating at all and generally has no energy or strength. So tomorrow, I may put her down... I can't stand to see her suffer for my own selfish reasons but its so hard because when you look at her, she still looks like she did 12 years ago when she came to me. I have so many fond memories of Bernie Girl, she has to be the smartest dog I've ever known. As I look at her now, I can't even begin to imagine that this time tomorrow night she may not be here, but I'm smiling thinking about my mom welcoming her by saying "Bernie Baby" and the two of them being together because they were each others favorite. God please help me get through this, I don't think I can take any more losses right now..

Sometimes...

Sometimes I wish I could be as reckless and unbothered by things as others... I mean really and honestly, I just wish for a month, I could do what I want, say what I want, eat what I want, go where I want and there are NO ramifications.
I just don't understand how people live and do some of the things they do with NO conscious. How do you make that voice shut up sometimes!!!!

Its Been a CRAZY two years...

So the other day, my dear friend T sent me an email letting me know that i haven't blogged in two years. Its not that I didn't know, its just that so many things have happened in the past two years that every time I sat down to write something, I got frustrated and gave up. So tonight I decided to do it as a list instead, this way I don't have to put too much thought into it.

1. On my last post I stated that I was having surgery to remove a fibroid. What was supposed to be outpatient surgery, resulted in 2 nights in the hospital and 6 weeks out of work.
2. On my second day home from the hospital, I receive a call from my manager informing me that my office was closing and that my job would be spared if I relocated to Chicago.
3. My mother's battle with cancer has ended, she passed away on 4/2/10. I am NOT ready to go into my feelings about this.
4. Cory and I have seperated.
5. Even though ALL of these things above may sound terrible (and they are), GOD IS STILL IN CONTROL and through ALL of these things, the I have learned to trust Him more.

I promise to try to do better with blogging, lord knows I have much to rant about.

Don't know What to Say

So in my last post, I mentioned that I was having a test that would determine if I had a fibroid.... And of course I do. It was not a real suprise to me, I knew SOMETHING had to be going on, judging by how bad my periods had become. In a way, I'm sort of relieved that it is a fibroid and not something more serious.
SO.... I will be having surgery to remove the fibroid on 11/12. The good thing is that Dr Forstein said that he would try to repair the blocked tube while he's in there, NO OTHER doctor has even hinted at the thought of doing that. The unfortunate side of all of this is that the fibroid that is in my uterus is growing from the outer all to the inner, where as most fiboids are either located on the outer or inner wall. Leave it to me to have something different. If they cannot get it with the scope, I will have to have a caesarean cut which I absolutely don't want, so be in prayer for your girl!
We were not happy about the news, it was a bit of a shock and I cried like a baby during and after the exam. While I have done tons of research and have made my peace with this, Cory on the other hand is not happy about the thought of surgery. He was cool with everything until surgery was mentioned. He doesn't like the idea and he thinks its a bit exploratory since Dr Forstein cannot say for certain if the fibroid is what caused the previous miscarriages. Dr Forstein DID say that the fibroid does makes future pregnancies tougher. I think that has given Cory a bit of comfort but not much...
So 11/12 it is. Not the best news to report but I'm looking forward to the possibilities afterwards!

Dr. Forstein

So after much convincing, threatening and prodding from my friend T and husband, I finally made an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist. I have a MULTITUDE of reasons for procrastinating, but one of my MAIN reasons was I didn't want to hear ANYTHING about my age (you know at your age, the risks involved with pregnancy, blah blah, blah). Until you have that conversation, you can never appreciate how that feels.
Well anywho, my friend T who I PROMISE when I get rich I will totally put through med school, recommeded Dr Forstein. Although she hadn't gone to him herself, she knew plenty of women who had and were very satisfied. So today we went, husband and I, to see Dr Forstein.
He came out personally to get us from the waiting area (which for some reason impressed me) and asked permission for his 4 year med student to interview us before he met with us (that was also impressive, you usually never get asked permission). The med student was totally pleasant, compassionate and gave me alot of information that I didn't know. She also was discerning enough to back down a bit when we were reviewing my family history (4 sisters with some form of ovarian or cervical cancer, mom with colon cancer, dad died of massive heart attack, granddad died of cancer, grandmother of massive heart attack) so needless to say, giving my medical history makes me a bit weepy and she felt that. Yeah for her.
Well at any rate, Dr Forstein comes in and we re-review my medical history (although briefly) and we talk about my blocked tube. We talked about the differences between IUI and IVF and other methods of insemination.
Here comes the slightly scary part, although he did review the age factors, he also brought up the fact that considering my age and race, he would like to check for fibroids. Ok so this is a factor I NEVER considered but, I do have to admit in the past few years, I've been very concerned about my increasingly heavy periods.
BUT.... All is NOT lost... I left with a plan (bloodwork, clomiphine challenge, urine LH testing, luteal progresterone testing, FSH) and a plan to take a sonohysterogram http://www.ivf1.com/sonohysterogram/ which will detect any abnormalities in my uterus. I always thought that when I went for my annual exam, the GYN could discern this but Dr Forstein said that unless you're 100 lbs, they cannot feel any fibroids in your uterus.
All in all, I'm happy that atleast we have a plan. I'm also content that it seems like they can work with my insurance and he didn't say that "at your age, you should adopt or go for IVF" which I've been told before. I'm glad I followed through! Now its just a waiting game....

How Can You Miss Someone You've Never Met?

Wow....
So I've had so many things on my mind lately, not enough to make a coherant blog.... For years I've been walking around feeling as if a part of me was missing, like a phantom limb or a twin who died at birth and I got to live but never knew I had the twin.... Finally it dawned on me, I'm missing my child who never was... I'm grieving for the unborn, the born too soon, the few whose live was cut short due to unselfish reason, I grieve for ALL of them! Is this healthy considering I haven't been pregnant in 5 years? Who can say? All I know is that I have to make room in my heart to receive what God may have for me and the only way I can do this is if I acknowldge this hole in my heart, first to myself, then to God and ask Him to fill it with Him. I myst be honest, I thought I was WAY past this, but with so many things going on, all I can say is that tonight, I'm shedding tears for those that I never got to meet but that I miss so much...

I miss you my babies, please forgive me.

Oh Happy Day!

Wow..... My step son who I have not seen in 5 years is here!! He just got here today from NY and I'm so glad to see him! He's a big boy now (size wise and age, he's 15), but he's still as cute as ever!!

WHen he was younger, he used to sing "oh happy day" at the top of his lungs and it was hysterical! My family is SO excited that he's here and I think they are all coming this weekend to see him. This should be fun!

Wow, its amazing how you don't realize how much you've missed someone until you see them