NYC

I think I am falling in love with NYC again... Its like finding a pair of shoes which you bought but never wore and now you can rock them hard. NYC has grown up and so have I.

Bernie the Magnificent

I pray that all dogs actually DO go to heaven, because if any of them could, it would be her. I could think of no other befitting way for Bernie to die but at home in my arms. I was scheduled to take her to the vet on 4/23 but as fate would have it, she died at home. Her last night was rough, I was tired, she was tired and we spent most of the night fighting desperately for air. She died at 6:48 AM, right in my arms....

I miss her SO much, its like a HUGE part of me is gone. I still listen for her nails clicking across the floor, her running out the room sideways when I come home, her in the bed with me kicking me.

The worse part of this is watching Pickles grieve... The first night he carried her pillow around the house crying and that was the roughest thing I've had to endure. Its like we're lost without her, although she was a small dog, she was big in spirit.

The entire family felt this one, friends/acquaintances/ex-boyfriends were ALL impacted in one way or another by Bernie's life. She had a fan club all her own. What brings me comfort is knowing that if all dogs DO go to heaven, she's with my mother who I KNOW welcome her with open arms and said "Bernie Baby" in a way that only she can. I know they're looking down on me and Pickles but DAMN I really can't take any more losses right now, this is too much...

Bernie the Magnificent Beagle

I've had Bernie for 12 years now... She is so much a part of the family that I can't even remember a time in my adult life when she was not around but now she's sick. I've been noticing her health declining for awhile now, just weird things here and there but I thought she'd bounce back like she always does. Last week, the vet determined that she has a mass in her stomach which is making it hard for her to breath. He wanted me to put her down last week but I just couldn't so I let him send her home with 4 medications in hopes that she'd get better. Although the swelling has gone down, she's now not eating at all and generally has no energy or strength. So tomorrow, I may put her down... I can't stand to see her suffer for my own selfish reasons but its so hard because when you look at her, she still looks like she did 12 years ago when she came to me. I have so many fond memories of Bernie Girl, she has to be the smartest dog I've ever known. As I look at her now, I can't even begin to imagine that this time tomorrow night she may not be here, but I'm smiling thinking about my mom welcoming her by saying "Bernie Baby" and the two of them being together because they were each others favorite. God please help me get through this, I don't think I can take any more losses right now..

Sometimes...

Sometimes I wish I could be as reckless and unbothered by things as others... I mean really and honestly, I just wish for a month, I could do what I want, say what I want, eat what I want, go where I want and there are NO ramifications.
I just don't understand how people live and do some of the things they do with NO conscious. How do you make that voice shut up sometimes!!!!

Its Been a CRAZY two years...

So the other day, my dear friend T sent me an email letting me know that i haven't blogged in two years. Its not that I didn't know, its just that so many things have happened in the past two years that every time I sat down to write something, I got frustrated and gave up. So tonight I decided to do it as a list instead, this way I don't have to put too much thought into it.

1. On my last post I stated that I was having surgery to remove a fibroid. What was supposed to be outpatient surgery, resulted in 2 nights in the hospital and 6 weeks out of work.
2. On my second day home from the hospital, I receive a call from my manager informing me that my office was closing and that my job would be spared if I relocated to Chicago.
3. My mother's battle with cancer has ended, she passed away on 4/2/10. I am NOT ready to go into my feelings about this.
4. Cory and I have seperated.
5. Even though ALL of these things above may sound terrible (and they are), GOD IS STILL IN CONTROL and through ALL of these things, the I have learned to trust Him more.

I promise to try to do better with blogging, lord knows I have much to rant about.

Don't know What to Say

So in my last post, I mentioned that I was having a test that would determine if I had a fibroid.... And of course I do. It was not a real suprise to me, I knew SOMETHING had to be going on, judging by how bad my periods had become. In a way, I'm sort of relieved that it is a fibroid and not something more serious.
SO.... I will be having surgery to remove the fibroid on 11/12. The good thing is that Dr Forstein said that he would try to repair the blocked tube while he's in there, NO OTHER doctor has even hinted at the thought of doing that. The unfortunate side of all of this is that the fibroid that is in my uterus is growing from the outer all to the inner, where as most fiboids are either located on the outer or inner wall. Leave it to me to have something different. If they cannot get it with the scope, I will have to have a caesarean cut which I absolutely don't want, so be in prayer for your girl!
We were not happy about the news, it was a bit of a shock and I cried like a baby during and after the exam. While I have done tons of research and have made my peace with this, Cory on the other hand is not happy about the thought of surgery. He was cool with everything until surgery was mentioned. He doesn't like the idea and he thinks its a bit exploratory since Dr Forstein cannot say for certain if the fibroid is what caused the previous miscarriages. Dr Forstein DID say that the fibroid does makes future pregnancies tougher. I think that has given Cory a bit of comfort but not much...
So 11/12 it is. Not the best news to report but I'm looking forward to the possibilities afterwards!

Dr. Forstein

So after much convincing, threatening and prodding from my friend T and husband, I finally made an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist. I have a MULTITUDE of reasons for procrastinating, but one of my MAIN reasons was I didn't want to hear ANYTHING about my age (you know at your age, the risks involved with pregnancy, blah blah, blah). Until you have that conversation, you can never appreciate how that feels.
Well anywho, my friend T who I PROMISE when I get rich I will totally put through med school, recommeded Dr Forstein. Although she hadn't gone to him herself, she knew plenty of women who had and were very satisfied. So today we went, husband and I, to see Dr Forstein.
He came out personally to get us from the waiting area (which for some reason impressed me) and asked permission for his 4 year med student to interview us before he met with us (that was also impressive, you usually never get asked permission). The med student was totally pleasant, compassionate and gave me alot of information that I didn't know. She also was discerning enough to back down a bit when we were reviewing my family history (4 sisters with some form of ovarian or cervical cancer, mom with colon cancer, dad died of massive heart attack, granddad died of cancer, grandmother of massive heart attack) so needless to say, giving my medical history makes me a bit weepy and she felt that. Yeah for her.
Well at any rate, Dr Forstein comes in and we re-review my medical history (although briefly) and we talk about my blocked tube. We talked about the differences between IUI and IVF and other methods of insemination.
Here comes the slightly scary part, although he did review the age factors, he also brought up the fact that considering my age and race, he would like to check for fibroids. Ok so this is a factor I NEVER considered but, I do have to admit in the past few years, I've been very concerned about my increasingly heavy periods.
BUT.... All is NOT lost... I left with a plan (bloodwork, clomiphine challenge, urine LH testing, luteal progresterone testing, FSH) and a plan to take a sonohysterogram http://www.ivf1.com/sonohysterogram/ which will detect any abnormalities in my uterus. I always thought that when I went for my annual exam, the GYN could discern this but Dr Forstein said that unless you're 100 lbs, they cannot feel any fibroids in your uterus.
All in all, I'm happy that atleast we have a plan. I'm also content that it seems like they can work with my insurance and he didn't say that "at your age, you should adopt or go for IVF" which I've been told before. I'm glad I followed through! Now its just a waiting game....