Soul Searching and New Status

I'm not sure if some of my friends are going to be able to deal with me being single... I've had several "weird" conversations over the past month or so about my new status. It's either their curiosity about how I'm "handling things" or just weird things which their spouses have said about my new status. I always wonder about women who feel the need to tell their mate everything about their friends to the point where the mate feels comfortable enough to even make a comment. What exactly are you talking about which causes you to bring up my marriage and the latest developments?

So I can see where some folks will have to be put on a "restricted" list because I will NOT tolerate comments from them or their spouses. I have one friend who I feel comfortable with sharing all the details of my new life, but the rest, I'm not too certain about. I have to do some serious soul searching and that's too bad. Some of these folks have been around for quite some time...

NYC Part Deux

I'm not quite sure how I feel about NYC now... While deep in my heart it will always be home, I'm not sure it can offer the protection from itself that I need. I was lulled into a false sense of security, that we could once again be friends, that we could happily co-exist, that I could visit it whenever I wanted, think of it whenever I wanted, talk to it whenever I wanted but as of yesterday, it once again showed me that my fantasy was just that... A fantasy....

So for now, I will cherish my two weeks that I had, the eating, drinking, shopping, laughing, getting re-acquainted and the new discoveries but I think it will be a while before I see NYC again. And although I miss it like crazy, I'm not sure NYC is as good for me as I would be for it.

I wonder does NYC feel different today since I'm gone... I wonder if my absence matters... I wonder if it would have been better if we never found each other again... I feel like singing Carl Thomas "I Wish"...

NYC

I think I am falling in love with NYC again... Its like finding a pair of shoes which you bought but never wore and now you can rock them hard. NYC has grown up and so have I.

Bernie the Magnificent

I pray that all dogs actually DO go to heaven, because if any of them could, it would be her. I could think of no other befitting way for Bernie to die but at home in my arms. I was scheduled to take her to the vet on 4/23 but as fate would have it, she died at home. Her last night was rough, I was tired, she was tired and we spent most of the night fighting desperately for air. She died at 6:48 AM, right in my arms....

I miss her SO much, its like a HUGE part of me is gone. I still listen for her nails clicking across the floor, her running out the room sideways when I come home, her in the bed with me kicking me.

The worse part of this is watching Pickles grieve... The first night he carried her pillow around the house crying and that was the roughest thing I've had to endure. Its like we're lost without her, although she was a small dog, she was big in spirit.

The entire family felt this one, friends/acquaintances/ex-boyfriends were ALL impacted in one way or another by Bernie's life. She had a fan club all her own. What brings me comfort is knowing that if all dogs DO go to heaven, she's with my mother who I KNOW welcome her with open arms and said "Bernie Baby" in a way that only she can. I know they're looking down on me and Pickles but DAMN I really can't take any more losses right now, this is too much...

Bernie the Magnificent Beagle

I've had Bernie for 12 years now... She is so much a part of the family that I can't even remember a time in my adult life when she was not around but now she's sick. I've been noticing her health declining for awhile now, just weird things here and there but I thought she'd bounce back like she always does. Last week, the vet determined that she has a mass in her stomach which is making it hard for her to breath. He wanted me to put her down last week but I just couldn't so I let him send her home with 4 medications in hopes that she'd get better. Although the swelling has gone down, she's now not eating at all and generally has no energy or strength. So tomorrow, I may put her down... I can't stand to see her suffer for my own selfish reasons but its so hard because when you look at her, she still looks like she did 12 years ago when she came to me. I have so many fond memories of Bernie Girl, she has to be the smartest dog I've ever known. As I look at her now, I can't even begin to imagine that this time tomorrow night she may not be here, but I'm smiling thinking about my mom welcoming her by saying "Bernie Baby" and the two of them being together because they were each others favorite. God please help me get through this, I don't think I can take any more losses right now..

Sometimes...

Sometimes I wish I could be as reckless and unbothered by things as others... I mean really and honestly, I just wish for a month, I could do what I want, say what I want, eat what I want, go where I want and there are NO ramifications.
I just don't understand how people live and do some of the things they do with NO conscious. How do you make that voice shut up sometimes!!!!

Its Been a CRAZY two years...

So the other day, my dear friend T sent me an email letting me know that i haven't blogged in two years. Its not that I didn't know, its just that so many things have happened in the past two years that every time I sat down to write something, I got frustrated and gave up. So tonight I decided to do it as a list instead, this way I don't have to put too much thought into it.

1. On my last post I stated that I was having surgery to remove a fibroid. What was supposed to be outpatient surgery, resulted in 2 nights in the hospital and 6 weeks out of work.
2. On my second day home from the hospital, I receive a call from my manager informing me that my office was closing and that my job would be spared if I relocated to Chicago.
3. My mother's battle with cancer has ended, she passed away on 4/2/10. I am NOT ready to go into my feelings about this.
4. Cory and I have seperated.
5. Even though ALL of these things above may sound terrible (and they are), GOD IS STILL IN CONTROL and through ALL of these things, the I have learned to trust Him more.

I promise to try to do better with blogging, lord knows I have much to rant about.