Dr. Forstein

So after much convincing, threatening and prodding from my friend T and husband, I finally made an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist. I have a MULTITUDE of reasons for procrastinating, but one of my MAIN reasons was I didn't want to hear ANYTHING about my age (you know at your age, the risks involved with pregnancy, blah blah, blah). Until you have that conversation, you can never appreciate how that feels.
Well anywho, my friend T who I PROMISE when I get rich I will totally put through med school, recommeded Dr Forstein. Although she hadn't gone to him herself, she knew plenty of women who had and were very satisfied. So today we went, husband and I, to see Dr Forstein.
He came out personally to get us from the waiting area (which for some reason impressed me) and asked permission for his 4 year med student to interview us before he met with us (that was also impressive, you usually never get asked permission). The med student was totally pleasant, compassionate and gave me alot of information that I didn't know. She also was discerning enough to back down a bit when we were reviewing my family history (4 sisters with some form of ovarian or cervical cancer, mom with colon cancer, dad died of massive heart attack, granddad died of cancer, grandmother of massive heart attack) so needless to say, giving my medical history makes me a bit weepy and she felt that. Yeah for her.
Well at any rate, Dr Forstein comes in and we re-review my medical history (although briefly) and we talk about my blocked tube. We talked about the differences between IUI and IVF and other methods of insemination.
Here comes the slightly scary part, although he did review the age factors, he also brought up the fact that considering my age and race, he would like to check for fibroids. Ok so this is a factor I NEVER considered but, I do have to admit in the past few years, I've been very concerned about my increasingly heavy periods.
BUT.... All is NOT lost... I left with a plan (bloodwork, clomiphine challenge, urine LH testing, luteal progresterone testing, FSH) and a plan to take a sonohysterogram http://www.ivf1.com/sonohysterogram/ which will detect any abnormalities in my uterus. I always thought that when I went for my annual exam, the GYN could discern this but Dr Forstein said that unless you're 100 lbs, they cannot feel any fibroids in your uterus.
All in all, I'm happy that atleast we have a plan. I'm also content that it seems like they can work with my insurance and he didn't say that "at your age, you should adopt or go for IVF" which I've been told before. I'm glad I followed through! Now its just a waiting game....

How Can You Miss Someone You've Never Met?

Wow....
So I've had so many things on my mind lately, not enough to make a coherant blog.... For years I've been walking around feeling as if a part of me was missing, like a phantom limb or a twin who died at birth and I got to live but never knew I had the twin.... Finally it dawned on me, I'm missing my child who never was... I'm grieving for the unborn, the born too soon, the few whose live was cut short due to unselfish reason, I grieve for ALL of them! Is this healthy considering I haven't been pregnant in 5 years? Who can say? All I know is that I have to make room in my heart to receive what God may have for me and the only way I can do this is if I acknowldge this hole in my heart, first to myself, then to God and ask Him to fill it with Him. I myst be honest, I thought I was WAY past this, but with so many things going on, all I can say is that tonight, I'm shedding tears for those that I never got to meet but that I miss so much...

I miss you my babies, please forgive me.