Don't know What to Say

So in my last post, I mentioned that I was having a test that would determine if I had a fibroid.... And of course I do. It was not a real suprise to me, I knew SOMETHING had to be going on, judging by how bad my periods had become. In a way, I'm sort of relieved that it is a fibroid and not something more serious.
SO.... I will be having surgery to remove the fibroid on 11/12. The good thing is that Dr Forstein said that he would try to repair the blocked tube while he's in there, NO OTHER doctor has even hinted at the thought of doing that. The unfortunate side of all of this is that the fibroid that is in my uterus is growing from the outer all to the inner, where as most fiboids are either located on the outer or inner wall. Leave it to me to have something different. If they cannot get it with the scope, I will have to have a caesarean cut which I absolutely don't want, so be in prayer for your girl!
We were not happy about the news, it was a bit of a shock and I cried like a baby during and after the exam. While I have done tons of research and have made my peace with this, Cory on the other hand is not happy about the thought of surgery. He was cool with everything until surgery was mentioned. He doesn't like the idea and he thinks its a bit exploratory since Dr Forstein cannot say for certain if the fibroid is what caused the previous miscarriages. Dr Forstein DID say that the fibroid does makes future pregnancies tougher. I think that has given Cory a bit of comfort but not much...
So 11/12 it is. Not the best news to report but I'm looking forward to the possibilities afterwards!

Dr. Forstein

So after much convincing, threatening and prodding from my friend T and husband, I finally made an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist. I have a MULTITUDE of reasons for procrastinating, but one of my MAIN reasons was I didn't want to hear ANYTHING about my age (you know at your age, the risks involved with pregnancy, blah blah, blah). Until you have that conversation, you can never appreciate how that feels.
Well anywho, my friend T who I PROMISE when I get rich I will totally put through med school, recommeded Dr Forstein. Although she hadn't gone to him herself, she knew plenty of women who had and were very satisfied. So today we went, husband and I, to see Dr Forstein.
He came out personally to get us from the waiting area (which for some reason impressed me) and asked permission for his 4 year med student to interview us before he met with us (that was also impressive, you usually never get asked permission). The med student was totally pleasant, compassionate and gave me alot of information that I didn't know. She also was discerning enough to back down a bit when we were reviewing my family history (4 sisters with some form of ovarian or cervical cancer, mom with colon cancer, dad died of massive heart attack, granddad died of cancer, grandmother of massive heart attack) so needless to say, giving my medical history makes me a bit weepy and she felt that. Yeah for her.
Well at any rate, Dr Forstein comes in and we re-review my medical history (although briefly) and we talk about my blocked tube. We talked about the differences between IUI and IVF and other methods of insemination.
Here comes the slightly scary part, although he did review the age factors, he also brought up the fact that considering my age and race, he would like to check for fibroids. Ok so this is a factor I NEVER considered but, I do have to admit in the past few years, I've been very concerned about my increasingly heavy periods.
BUT.... All is NOT lost... I left with a plan (bloodwork, clomiphine challenge, urine LH testing, luteal progresterone testing, FSH) and a plan to take a sonohysterogram http://www.ivf1.com/sonohysterogram/ which will detect any abnormalities in my uterus. I always thought that when I went for my annual exam, the GYN could discern this but Dr Forstein said that unless you're 100 lbs, they cannot feel any fibroids in your uterus.
All in all, I'm happy that atleast we have a plan. I'm also content that it seems like they can work with my insurance and he didn't say that "at your age, you should adopt or go for IVF" which I've been told before. I'm glad I followed through! Now its just a waiting game....

How Can You Miss Someone You've Never Met?

Wow....
So I've had so many things on my mind lately, not enough to make a coherant blog.... For years I've been walking around feeling as if a part of me was missing, like a phantom limb or a twin who died at birth and I got to live but never knew I had the twin.... Finally it dawned on me, I'm missing my child who never was... I'm grieving for the unborn, the born too soon, the few whose live was cut short due to unselfish reason, I grieve for ALL of them! Is this healthy considering I haven't been pregnant in 5 years? Who can say? All I know is that I have to make room in my heart to receive what God may have for me and the only way I can do this is if I acknowldge this hole in my heart, first to myself, then to God and ask Him to fill it with Him. I myst be honest, I thought I was WAY past this, but with so many things going on, all I can say is that tonight, I'm shedding tears for those that I never got to meet but that I miss so much...

I miss you my babies, please forgive me.

Oh Happy Day!

Wow..... My step son who I have not seen in 5 years is here!! He just got here today from NY and I'm so glad to see him! He's a big boy now (size wise and age, he's 15), but he's still as cute as ever!!

WHen he was younger, he used to sing "oh happy day" at the top of his lungs and it was hysterical! My family is SO excited that he's here and I think they are all coming this weekend to see him. This should be fun!

Wow, its amazing how you don't realize how much you've missed someone until you see them

Missing People

I'm a person who pretty much for the most part, likes people and things to "stay as they are". Now I'm all for personal and spiritual growth BUT I like people to stay put! Over the last few years, I've moved around myself quite a bit so its interesting that I feel this way BUT anyone who knows me knows that I tend to get attached to people (much to Dee's horror) and its upsetting to me when people are not where I expect them to be!

Some VERY SPECIAL people to me are moving around.... Going off to college, moving to another state, changing jobs, changing churches and YES, I'm feeling..... ABANDONED!! I know its not about me, but still... I feel sad, I miss people because I love deeply and its hard for me to say bye (also much to Dee's horror!). I mean seriously, I think I handled quite well my god child/child (she's my god child but also my child!) moving all the way to Texas to go to college and NOW she's talking about going to Korea to teach! Yeah for her, I'm VERY proud of her but dang, that's far! Then one of my other babies is moving to Ga to live with his brother and its tearing me up to the point that I'm ANGRY! Then I have another friend who I didn't realize how attached I was to this chick until I haven't seen her in over a month and the only contact we've had is via email, I've asked her to stand in her window and I'd drive by her house just so I can see her!! I just sent a text to her husband telling him that I've harassed her enough and now I'm stepping up my game and I'm going to start harassing him until I see SOMEONE!!!

Maybe its PMS, I dunno. All I know is I'm see WAY too much of the people I don't wanna see and way too less of the people I miss and I'm NOT liking it at all!

Great Nieces and Nephews

Got to see Princess Niera and Big Boy Taj yesterday (who at 5 months is trying to walk!!!). Princess Niera looks me dead in the eyes and says "auntie Crystal, I like lemonade, it makes my throat smile". She's the cutest thing!! We had a tea party, ate icies (she had a red and blue one, didn't give me a choice but gave me the blue one and said "I like red", adults should be so honest) and we watched I Carly which is one of her favorite shows. My nephew told me that one day she was off in her room alone and when he walked in, she was on her bed relaxing with the TV on. When he asked her what she was doing, she said "I'm watching Rocko Bama" and sure enough, she had PBS on and was watching one of his town hall meetings on Health Care Reform!!! I pray for the teachers when she starts school in a few weeks, she's going to give them a run for their money because she's VERY advanced for a 3 year old!

Darrien aka Peanut sent me a love letter in the mail, its said "I love you auntie Crystal, you are funny. I love you 1022". When I asked what 1022 was, he said "the biggest number I know". Man these kids can make you cry!

Can't wait to see Peanut and Boo in September, I really hope they come down, I miss them so much!!

No Words....

No words can describe how sad I am... My friend who I posted about has lost her 3rd baby and I can't even begin to articulate how I feel. On so many levels it makes me sad, angry, discouraged and pissed off!!! I KNOW, medicine is a science and as such, its not exact but DAMN! Also, I can't understand why God in His infinite wisdom and love for us would put one couple through so much pain and heart ache.

If there is a bright side in all this, its that they got to hold the baby and be with her for 6 hours of her life. I can't even begin to imagine how wonderful that must have felt, especially since the doctors were all amazed that she held on for that long. That part right there proves that God DOES care about us because no one can tell me that He didn't do this JUST for them and their other two babies in heaven so Madison can go there and tell them how wonderful both their mom and dad are!

I still trust God, I know I cannot question His ways but if there were once I could ask Him ANY question, it would be WHY. As crazy as it sounds, I want this couple to have a child more than I want it for us. I love them JUST THAT MUCH.

No Good Deed....

Goes unpunished or recognized!! So over the past few weeks, I thought I had been accomodating (allowed hela folks to stay at my house who had no money), did my best to make things comfortable and nice for everyone, played hostess with the mostest and all that snazzy stuff you do for people who love you and what did I get in return? Basically a disrecpectful niece, a crazy sister and people angry with me over stuff that has NOTHING TO DO WITH ME!!! So for the next few weeks, months, maybe even YEARS, I'm closing the borders. Remember, I have NO children so I have no desire to play the 3rd parent anymore. Its too costly and I'm always the one paying and I'm NOT talking financially. Stick a fork in me, I'm SO DONE!

WOW...

Ok so we're officially 3 days away from Cory preaching his initial sermon. I'm overwhelmed with a range of emotions - happiness, excitement, nervousness, fatigue and everything in between!! I thank God that COry is such a cool, calm and collected dude, he's showing ZERO signs of fear (because we know God did not give us a spirit of fear) and he's ready for his big day. A few things I'm thankful for:

1. Peace - we have had nothing but peace around this new chapter of Cory's life
2. Praying friends near and far - I feel the prayers of all my friends and family
3. Vision - I saw this day when I first met Cory. Although our lives then looked NOTHING like what they are now, I always knew we'd get here, even when it looked like we'd never make it!
4. Vision again - I KNOW this is just a comma not a period. The things that I know God is going to acccomplish through Cory's life and testimony blow me away at times.
5. The Holy Spirit - who has led and guided us to this point. We would have NEVER arrived here if we weren't led.

So Sunday July 12 at 5:00 PM is the big day/hour. This is going to be awesome!

So Many Things, So Little Time...

I figured its time to update my blog with something new... Its been awhile since I've posted, not because I didn't have anything to say but just didn't have time to say it, so here goes....
Since the last post, we've closed on our new home (5/1) affectionately called "exceedingly above all you could think or ask". I'm still amazed when I pull up that this is our home. Wow daddy, you're awesome!
Cory will be preaching his initial sermon on 7/12. This has been such an awesome journey and we know this is just a stop on the journey and by no means his final destination. I cannot believe God thought enough of me to allow me to be a part of this process. I realize Cory is God's gift to me and such, He trusted me with one of His chosen vessels. What I saw in Cory the first time we met is exactly this. What a powerful man of God he's becoming!
One of my best friends who has lost two babies is pregnant! She looks marvelous and its so sweet to observe her husband smiling at her when she's not watching. This couple is so in love and awesome testimonies to God's keeping power.
As for me personally, I'm on a spiritual journey of my own... There's so much going on inside of me right now, at times I feel I'm going to explode. I am in such desperate pursuit of God! I just want to live a life that's pleasing to Him. I don't always get it right but the awesome thing is, I don't have to because He does!