On Being Me

I'm me, I can't be anyone else but me. I'm the best at being me and I can't be anyone else as good as I can be me. So with that being said, here are a few things about me that will not change unless God says so:

1. I ask alot of questions, I always have. I'm a naturally inquisitive person, some call it pushy, some call it nosy, I call it inquisitive. As I've gotten older I've tried to tame it but I'd rather ask and risk the look of "that's none of your business" than not ask.
2. I don't have high expectations of people but I DO expect honestly, communication and some level of respect. I don't believe that "managing my expectations" includes expecting people to lie. I'd rather believe people to be good, trying to do the right thing than spend the rest of my life interacting with people who I'm always looking over my shoulder with. Yes people flip on you, but I won't be a paranoid. I think its a sad way to live life.
3. I believe in the general good in people. People do bad things but there are not any blatently bad people, with the exception of pedophiles, child abusers, rapists, people who are cruel to animals and murderers.
4. I believe in love. I will never stop believing in love and the power which love possesses. I have loved and been loved. Just because I've loved and lost and have had people "claim" to love me I will NOT give up on the idea of love. Just because people don't understand what the word really means does not mean I will allow their stuff to cloud or downsize my expectation of love.
5. I try to treat people good, I don't treat all people the same, that's impossible and if anyone claims they do that, theyre lying. I try to treat people and see them as individuals, not all men are the same, not all women are the same, not all people born under the same sign are the same, not all blacks are the same, etc... I hate sterotypes. While some hold true for the most part, they're invalid.
6. I'm an emoter, always have been, always will be. If I like it I'm showing it, if I dislike it I'm showing it. I'm not fearful of showing how I feel about people even if the feeling is not reciprocated. If you've hurt me, I'm telling you and if you've made me happy I'm showing you. If I'm sad I cry, if I'm happy I cry, if I'm thankful I cry. Not many people can deal with my WIDE range of emotions but I've been hospitalized for NOT expressing my emotions and I refuse to go through that level of pain again just so people are cool with me.
7. I know a little about alot of things its called having a momma who made you read. I won't apologize or downplay my intelligence for others to be ok. Read a book, put the reality TV and tabloids down and get it together.

I love who I am and I love who I'm becoming. While this may not work for some, I'm no longer willing to compromise who I am for people to be ok with who they are not. You don't have to be me or like me but I'm going to stay true to who God called me to be. Somewhere out there someone is appreciating me and will get me.

I Still Believe...

I've witnessed some crazy things over the past 3 years... Friendships dissolving without so much as a goodbye, marriages torn apart by one person's selfishness and need for something other than what they have, the loss of my two best things in the world-my mother and my precious Bernie, a friend of mine who would be amazed at the depth of my love for her losing baby #4 when he was so close to meeting everyone who has loved him from the moment he was announced, people who claim and profess Christ SWEARING they'll never love again due to some foolish person's mismanagement not realizing that you can't claim Christ seperate and apart from claiming and professing love, friends who were so full of love and joy now bitter and cynical for a multitude of reasons.... I've been hurt too, people who have grinned and smiled in my face, that I've prayed for and with, committing ultimate acts of betrayal that have cut me so deep its a wonder that I have not drowned in my own tears.... And yet and still I still believe.... I still believe in LOVE and its power to heal, build, re-shape, build up and affirm. There are days where I don't know where my trust is, I don't know where my faith is, I don't know where the nice Crystal is, I don't know what you're thinking God I STILL believe and will NOT give up believing in LOVE...

Random

I couldn't come up with a title for this post since it's not about any one topic in particular but about things that are going on in my heart/head right now so random is the best choice....

Let's see, what's gone on since my last post? Let's see:

1. I went on my first "post Cory" date. Really not a big deal, lunch in Atlanta with a guy I met in NYC who's from NYC but lives in Ga now. Several days after the date I realized that I really didn't like him but he REALLY liked me which is a whole blog unto itself. Let's just say he's in the friendship bucket and although he may not like it, that's where he'll be.
2. I realized the issues between me and my sisters are deeper than I thought when sister #3 came to visit sister #2 who lives less that 130 miles away and NO ONE CALLED ME! Yes I was hurt, and mad that I was hurt.
3. Things with Cory and I went from bad to worse to ok to worse to bad to horrific to ok. Yeah all that in the span of the summer. Love him to pieces, HATE the stuff he does.
4. I have a hole in my heart about something that I should have known better about but I didn't. Not ready to write about this just yet but UGH....
5. Mommy's bday is coming and I have NO safety plan.
6. Started a new job, WHOOP WHOOP! I guess I should blog about not being at the old job!
7. I had a great summer. Met some cool people and some not so cool people. See item #4.
8. I got a new puppy that Pickles LOVES. It's a beagle and I don't know what I was thinking. But to see the happiness come back to Pickles as they romp all day and night (and I do mean all day and night) makes me happy. He's being a good big brother.

So I really have 9 things I could blog about and I will. Just wanted to give a quick update before the blog police ding me for being slack.

Soul Searching and New Status

I'm not sure if some of my friends are going to be able to deal with me being single... I've had several "weird" conversations over the past month or so about my new status. It's either their curiosity about how I'm "handling things" or just weird things which their spouses have said about my new status. I always wonder about women who feel the need to tell their mate everything about their friends to the point where the mate feels comfortable enough to even make a comment. What exactly are you talking about which causes you to bring up my marriage and the latest developments?

So I can see where some folks will have to be put on a "restricted" list because I will NOT tolerate comments from them or their spouses. I have one friend who I feel comfortable with sharing all the details of my new life, but the rest, I'm not too certain about. I have to do some serious soul searching and that's too bad. Some of these folks have been around for quite some time...

NYC Part Deux

I'm not quite sure how I feel about NYC now... While deep in my heart it will always be home, I'm not sure it can offer the protection from itself that I need. I was lulled into a false sense of security, that we could once again be friends, that we could happily co-exist, that I could visit it whenever I wanted, think of it whenever I wanted, talk to it whenever I wanted but as of yesterday, it once again showed me that my fantasy was just that... A fantasy....

So for now, I will cherish my two weeks that I had, the eating, drinking, shopping, laughing, getting re-acquainted and the new discoveries but I think it will be a while before I see NYC again. And although I miss it like crazy, I'm not sure NYC is as good for me as I would be for it.

I wonder does NYC feel different today since I'm gone... I wonder if my absence matters... I wonder if it would have been better if we never found each other again... I feel like singing Carl Thomas "I Wish"...

NYC

I think I am falling in love with NYC again... Its like finding a pair of shoes which you bought but never wore and now you can rock them hard. NYC has grown up and so have I.

Bernie the Magnificent

I pray that all dogs actually DO go to heaven, because if any of them could, it would be her. I could think of no other befitting way for Bernie to die but at home in my arms. I was scheduled to take her to the vet on 4/23 but as fate would have it, she died at home. Her last night was rough, I was tired, she was tired and we spent most of the night fighting desperately for air. She died at 6:48 AM, right in my arms....

I miss her SO much, its like a HUGE part of me is gone. I still listen for her nails clicking across the floor, her running out the room sideways when I come home, her in the bed with me kicking me.

The worse part of this is watching Pickles grieve... The first night he carried her pillow around the house crying and that was the roughest thing I've had to endure. Its like we're lost without her, although she was a small dog, she was big in spirit.

The entire family felt this one, friends/acquaintances/ex-boyfriends were ALL impacted in one way or another by Bernie's life. She had a fan club all her own. What brings me comfort is knowing that if all dogs DO go to heaven, she's with my mother who I KNOW welcome her with open arms and said "Bernie Baby" in a way that only she can. I know they're looking down on me and Pickles but DAMN I really can't take any more losses right now, this is too much...

Bernie the Magnificent Beagle

I've had Bernie for 12 years now... She is so much a part of the family that I can't even remember a time in my adult life when she was not around but now she's sick. I've been noticing her health declining for awhile now, just weird things here and there but I thought she'd bounce back like she always does. Last week, the vet determined that she has a mass in her stomach which is making it hard for her to breath. He wanted me to put her down last week but I just couldn't so I let him send her home with 4 medications in hopes that she'd get better. Although the swelling has gone down, she's now not eating at all and generally has no energy or strength. So tomorrow, I may put her down... I can't stand to see her suffer for my own selfish reasons but its so hard because when you look at her, she still looks like she did 12 years ago when she came to me. I have so many fond memories of Bernie Girl, she has to be the smartest dog I've ever known. As I look at her now, I can't even begin to imagine that this time tomorrow night she may not be here, but I'm smiling thinking about my mom welcoming her by saying "Bernie Baby" and the two of them being together because they were each others favorite. God please help me get through this, I don't think I can take any more losses right now..

Sometimes...

Sometimes I wish I could be as reckless and unbothered by things as others... I mean really and honestly, I just wish for a month, I could do what I want, say what I want, eat what I want, go where I want and there are NO ramifications.
I just don't understand how people live and do some of the things they do with NO conscious. How do you make that voice shut up sometimes!!!!

Its Been a CRAZY two years...

So the other day, my dear friend T sent me an email letting me know that i haven't blogged in two years. Its not that I didn't know, its just that so many things have happened in the past two years that every time I sat down to write something, I got frustrated and gave up. So tonight I decided to do it as a list instead, this way I don't have to put too much thought into it.

1. On my last post I stated that I was having surgery to remove a fibroid. What was supposed to be outpatient surgery, resulted in 2 nights in the hospital and 6 weeks out of work.
2. On my second day home from the hospital, I receive a call from my manager informing me that my office was closing and that my job would be spared if I relocated to Chicago.
3. My mother's battle with cancer has ended, she passed away on 4/2/10. I am NOT ready to go into my feelings about this.
4. Cory and I have seperated.
5. Even though ALL of these things above may sound terrible (and they are), GOD IS STILL IN CONTROL and through ALL of these things, the I have learned to trust Him more.

I promise to try to do better with blogging, lord knows I have much to rant about.